mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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