To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
