3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
