I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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