I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
