Sry I called you an 8
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
