Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize