I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
