i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
