she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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