I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
