Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
