I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
