i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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