Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
