My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize