There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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