You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
