Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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