oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
