it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
