So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
