dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
40s are totally the cure
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize