remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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