I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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