Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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