Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
