I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I miss vodka workout Fridays
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
