i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I need to calm my uterus...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
