Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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