finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
