so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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