I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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