You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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