i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
