today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
