We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
