I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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