You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
where am i from again
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
