You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
