My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
