he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
