Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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