at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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