when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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