No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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