I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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