If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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