I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
