So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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