he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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