I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
