Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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