bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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