My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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