Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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