i think my tv is drunk
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
