I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
