I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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