i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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