Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
