So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
