If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
