Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
