Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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