That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
