please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
