what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
