two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
