oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
