He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
